I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A leaf blower, but for people.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!