doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..