Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.