Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You Might Also Like
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
every. time.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.