Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
What a website