Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
…u ok Nintendo?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.