Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
they finally got him. they got macavity