I put the hot in psychotic.
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Taking phone security to the next level.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.