Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
accurate
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.