Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You Might Also Like
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Love it! 👍😂
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense