We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.