Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: