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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Butt weight. There’s more!
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.