COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.