Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.