You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
the last thing a carrot sees
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did