Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
i hope my email finds you on fire
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I didn’t come here to be called names
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words