[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
whenever i wake up before my alarm