Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker