Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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a god among men
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum