‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Check your privilege
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*