OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You Might Also Like
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts