I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The glory of fall.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.