as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.