Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.