2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
how it started vs how it ended
My belly don鈥檛 jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I鈥檓 sorry
Captain: This is why we can鈥檛 have nice pings
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here鈥檚 how to make really easy sugar cookies!
馃У 1/246
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don鈥檛 know babe u tell me
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I鈥檓 still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.