Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls