A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.