The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad