I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Wise advice
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Note to self: I am a note
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
This took me a second..
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment