*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name