Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I’ve had relationships like this
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.