Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.