Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
B
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview