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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no