Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I think they could have phrased this better
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.