My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
My dog ate my work from home.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer