People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.