By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?