Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
waiting for halloween be like:
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”