A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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Optional boss fight.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again