If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.