*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount