Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
thinking about this
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao