I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Good point.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel