Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
The news in a nutshell.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.