My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Name another movie that mislead you?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?