My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Favourite diary entry ever
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.