I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Ugh but profoundly
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you