[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Meowchelangelo
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*