[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.